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Oi! [04 Feb 2008|10:20pm]
[ mood | blank ]

It's been a week.


Will fully update later...if I can find time...

3 comments|post comment

[13 Dec 2007|06:38am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

My relationship with God is not based on what I have promised God. It's not about my promises at all. It is HIS promises that save me, not my own. I can't be good enough, I can't be sinless, I can't be perfect....but God has promised to make me perfect through Jesus Christ.

It's what He has promised to me that brings me to repentance.
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.::Sacrifices::. [21 Nov 2007|05:33pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

What does it mean to have a heart of worship? After Pastor Frank's study on Sunday, I haven't been able to get my mind off of that question. Do I have a heart of worship? Is my praise sincere? How easy it is to get tangled up in our flesh when we are on stage and can easily become the center of attention!

God does not need our praise. He is not dependent on it. Instead he desires it greatly. It is such an intimate and deep desire that He has. We can't even begin to fathom what it is like. We were created to worship and commune with God...but not because God was lacking with out it and needed us to make him complete. He was complete. God created us out of his desire to commune daily with us. Our praise is a sweet smelling incense when our hearts are right before God. it's pleasing.

How hard it is for me to truly worship God, especially when I am up on stage. Perhaps part of it is my insecurities about being on stage. Part of it may also be because I am easily distracted with where my emotions are that morning. If I'm angry, I find it hard to bring myself to sing during worship. If I'm sad, worship alone will bring tears to my eyes. If I'm hurt, I sit there and question why God would put me through whatever trial I am going through. Our worship can be so easily led by our emotions. How we are feeling at the moment can change the entire mind set of that time of communing with and pleasing God.

I find that sometimes I can really tell that my heart is right before God. I know that sounds slightly conceited--but it is not meant that way. Maybe it's more that I am more aware of the spiritual sense of worship at that time. But sometimes, I experience a moment...a moment so full of such a powerful praise that I feel like my flesh can't handle it. It's that moment where the words to the song hit home so hard that I want to cry and laugh at the same time. My whole body becomes completely overwhelmed with the desire to just cry out praises to my God. In that moment, nothing else matters. I can't hear anyone else. I can't feel anyone else. It's just me. It may only last for a minute or two, but afterwards I desire it to last for a lifetime. It's definitely a high. It's like I reached up at touched the base of something so much bigger. And in that moment of recognition... in that moment of realizing how deep our worship to God is... I realize how small I am and how unworthy I am of God's desire for me.

Search your hearts, my friend. Do you sing during worship because it's what you do? Stop and listen to the words you are singing--they are deep and not meant to be taken lightly. Are you sincere in what you are saying to God at that moment? Worship songs sing of praise and adoration, commitment to God, conviction, repentance, and humility. Be careful what you sing. Our worship is a sacrifice. We GIVE it TO God. Don't say...or sing... things to God that you don't truly mean. There is a difference between pleasing and unacceptable worship.

On another note--worship is not a "presentation". Going off of what Pastor Frank said on Sunday, today worship has become so much like a "show". We become so stuck on perfection and how it looks and sounds. As I sat there on Sunday looking back over the years, I realized how true this was! The difference between when I sang at SE and when I sing now at Cornerstone is that there is less of a push for perfection. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that our worship is better than anyone else--because that is NOT true. I have come to realize that it's not about how it sounds...it's about my heart. I have heard that so much over the years--but it wasn't until recently that it really hit home.

I have been experiencing a much deeper communion with God because of the things I have been learning. I'm not so worried with how it sounds anymore. If I am worshiping my Lord with a correct heart, then it will be a sweet smelling sacrifice no matter how it sounds. I love the atmosphere of worship at my church. It's so pure and not show-y in anyway. It encourages me to be that as well. Kenny encourages me to focus on worshiping God and to not worry about perfection anymore. My offering to God will be perfect if I have a heart for Him singing in myself.

I look forward to the months ahead. Opportunities are in sight where I can be stretched and molded more and more into who the Lord wants me to be. I am anxious, but willing. I am scared, but ready. I am nervous (to death!), but excited to see what happens.

Allow the Lord to reveal to a deeper way of worship. Present yourselves as sweet incense before Him. Experience the blessing of pleasing your Lord!
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The Storm [03 Oct 2007|09:56pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

"At first we see Christ without the storm, Christ coming apart from the clouds. Heaven is so close at hand that earth dwindles, and it's biggest concerns become trifles. The Father will not let you believe that; and so He sends us a sobering down. You have seen Christ without the storm; He gives us a vision of the storm without Christ, a vision painful but helpful. It brings us into touch with human grief; it teaches us the fellowship that lies in the mystery of pain; bless our Father for the sobering hour. At last there comes to us the reconciling marriage, the waiting for Christ in the storm. You have seen Christ alone; you have seen your storm alone;  but the marriage is coming.
These feet Divine shall touch our human sea, it is not less storm we need, it is more light."

--George Matheson--

'The realization there is more is so necessary for our growth, and it often comes as the result of this painful process... This suffering, this union with His pain, places within us a yearning for more of Him, not less pain, but more of Him. What a strange, but wonderful process; it narrows our focus and purpose in life."

(from the study of Philippians 3:12-16 with Pastor Frank Hedrick at Cornerstone Christian Fellowship)

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Phil Wickham!! [19 Sep 2007|08:38pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

For all of you Phil-lovers, my dearest cousin Maggie told me where you can download his song "Sailing on a Ship" song (the song he wrote about Reepicheep in the Voyage of the Dawn Treader by C.S. Lewis--for you Narnia fans!) for FREE!

Yes, free. Check out www.freeccm.com and register and you can download it.


David Crowder and Phil Wickham will be at the CRYSTAL BALLROOM in Portland next month. Is anyone interested in going? It's Thursday, October 18th, at 7:00 PM.

Let me know. I'm looking for someone to go with me!

1 comment|post comment

A higher standard.... a deeper meaning.... [08 Sep 2007|02:50pm]
[ mood | discontent ]

  I have been thinking a lot lately. I know that's a scary thing--but sometimes I am lucky and I think of something slightly intelligent--thought most of the time it's just random nothingness.

ANYWAY, my thoughts have been very focused on friendships and relationships. There's been a lot going on in my life lately concerning this subject. Even over the years, I have questioned what a true friend is. This probably stems from the fact that a lot of my friends end up leaving me. Not because of something I did--but more so for circumstances taking them other places. I read in a book once that a woman's biggest fear is abandonment--being left alone. I believe this is so true. In the book, it was talking about men abandoning women--in relationships and marriages. But I have come to think that women are afraid of any type of abandonment. From the men in their lives to their close girl-friends, even to their parents or their own children. We don't want to be left alone. Our hearts were created to be in close fellowship with the people around us. We are the ones who long to build relationships and open up our hearts to the people around us. When we do this, we are showing to the a world a part of God's heart. God opened himself so much.... He showed us his heart so completely--to the point of sending his son to the cross. God put that desire to open up and draw others in close into the hearts of women.But we become so vulnerable when we do this. That's where the Devil puts his hand to the plow.

Because of our desire for openness, we take a chance of being hurt. I know my life is easily manipulated because of my fear of being alone. Because of this fear, I have a very hard time opening up to others. I am afraid that, if someone sees my true self, all they will want to do is run away. I hide behind my shyness--thinking it's better to stay quiet than to say something and have it be rejected or having someone become mad at me because of what I say. How easy it is for me to hole up. I am pretty good at hiding behind my mask. But when you look me in the eye, you'll know something is not right.

There was a friend once, who could look at me, and just know something was wrong. When I was upset or mad or hurt, he'd look right at me--and it was like he could see through that shield I had, right into my pain and my suffering. I haven't decided yet if it was a gift or a curse to have someone who could get so near to my heart without me letting him in. But I do remember the joy I had in my life during that brief summer. Eventually I became comfortable with revealing more and more of my soul as the days went by. Overwhelmed with a happiness and a joy knowing I could open my heart to him and he wouldn't run. Unfortunately, later events took this friend away--and the pain I felt because of that was horrible.

Now why was it so horrible? I mean I had lost friends many times before. I had been betrayed and left alone many times. Why was it so hard losing that certain friendship? Because I had tasted what it was like to have an open heart with someone. It was so small and fleeting--like a vapor. But it left me thirsting for more. To this day, I wish that I had that again.

As I sit writing this, I wonder at why we can't have that type of relationship with everyone--Why is it so hard for us to open up? To share our true feelings? Opinions? Because it's what the Devil wants us to do. He wants us to sit and be quiet. He wants us to let things go unsaid--so that friendships are torn apart. He wants the world to be full of hurt and pain. He wants us to blame God for not giving us the right friends to open to. Ouch. How guilty am I of that! I look at others and scream at God--demanding to know why I can't have a best friend who will stick around. I get mad at him when I am hurt by others... by people that I love so much. Why can't they just see my heart? Do they not understand? Can they not see my actions are motivated by the care and love I have for them? Why do they abuse my friendship and loyalty to them? Why am I pushed off to the side when others are around? Do they not see how much I want to be there for them? Lately, I have been more encouraged by people here at work--whom I have only known a few months--than I am by friends I have known for years. That is so sad to me.

How I long for a friendship that is EQUAL. Where both people can open up and share thoughts and struggles. Where there is respect for opinions. Respect for decisions made. Somewhere where I can open up about EVERYTHING; not just what is fine and dandy.

I admit that I am jealous of those that have a best friend--a bosom friend, if you will. I wish I could have just one person who was there for me. Combined in several friends, I do have this. But to have one friend...who desires to open up and spend time with me as much as I want to with them... it would be a dream. I guess I am just tired of being used only when others need me, of being forgotten or pushed off to the side when something better comes up. I want to be appreciated and loved for being ME! I don't want to toot my own horn saying I am "such an amazing person. Everyone should want to be my friend. I am so good and sweet and kind....". I'm not. I'm a human. I am fleshly. I get mad. I get jealous. I even hate people sometimes. I am a selfish person. But aren't we all?

I have a desire to have better friendships...better relationships with the people in my life. It comes and goes, I must admit. Sometimes I just don't feel like trying. Some days the ghosts of pain and abandonment fill my mind and heart and I don't care anymore. I'd rather be alone. Today, I am feeling that way. Like suddenly I wish I had no friends period. And that feeling--a desire to be alone, scares me. so now, here I am, my true hearts desire concerning friends laid out before you. You may not feel this way, you may have no desire to pursue friendships like these. But I do. I like to deny it, but deep down inside I yearn for it.

So the point of all of this? I am not sure. It's just the things that roll around in my mind and heart. The bottom line is, I think, that I want to seek out what a FRIEND should be. What are we doing wrong? What can we do to better our friendships? To point each other to Christ? How can I truly help the people I care about? Do you not ask these questions of yourself sometimes? I know I do. Do you have a desire to become a better friend-- an encouraging friend--and open friend? I think we do deep inside--even though we would never admit to it. I believe we all need to:
Be honest--Openness with each other...even saying things others don't want to hear.
Encourage others--pointing others to God's promises in the darkest of times.
Pray for one another--lifting up others, interceding on behalf of others, giving praise and thanks to God for things he has done for us.
Support each other--being there to listen, even if it's about something you disagree with.
Exhort each other-to encourage or bring each other up to a higher standard; encourage to live a Godly life.

I believe there is so much more to this mere shadow we call friendship. And once we've dipped our toe in it, we'll realize what we have been missing our whole lives. Our friendships are to reflect our relationship with God--so shouldn't they be stronger? More Godly? If not, is there something hindering our relationships with our Savior?? We need to first examine ourselves-- Am I living a life for Christ? And if so, how can I reflect that in my relationships with others? And then examine our friendships. Are they Godly relationships? Are my friendships hindering my walk with God at all?

My friends, my dear friends--do you not yearn for something deeper? Something more than laughter and good times? More than inside jokes and funny memories? There have been three friendships in my life where my fondest memories of them were of us being radically used or blessed by God. It wasn't the jokes, or the trips, or the overnighters... Not that there weren't jokes and fun times.... but it was the times God stretched us that I remember. It was when we were used for HIS glory--together. It was when we poured out our hearts...and when we confessed our sins to each other and to God. It was the prayer in the bathroom, the worship leading together, it was the devotions, it was the missions trips, and the witnessing downtown.... Those three friends changed my life. There has been none like them.

There is something better for us--something better for me. Can you feel the pull on your heart now? The need... the craving for something more sustaining than just "hanging out"?

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Wow... I can't believe.... [14 Aug 2007|10:41pm]
[ mood | angry ]

...that someone so far away can still cause so much pain. I'll be honest in saying I am hurt. I feel abandoned. I feel uncared for. This is ridiculous. The very day I decide to open my heart a little and do one small act of kindness, I get shut down. I'm pretty much finished. But, my one curse won't allow me to. You see, I'm pretty much loyal to the end. I am not perfect, I admit that. But for the most part, I am fiercely loyal to my friends. No matter how many times I am hurt, how many times I am pushed off to the side, how many times I am abandoned all together--I will never cease to be there for them. And that's what is the worst part--because by being so loyal, I set myself up for heartache time and time again.I hate it--but I can't stop. I have to give them a second chance.

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I do not think.... [18 Jul 2007|10:08pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

...I've ever felt as lonely as I feel tonight. It was kind of a rush of emotion--where suddenly it hit me. And I cried--not because of the loneliness--but because the one woman I wanted to speak to was no where near me tonight. What I would have given to be embraced by her and to pour out my heart once again like the old days. I'm tearing up just thinking about it. It wasn't any of my buddies I wanted to be with, it wasn't my girlfriends, it wasn't my family... it was her. The woman I admire and respect so much.... I aspire to be like her someday... She has an inviting and captivating spirit.

Oh how I've miss you, Deana. I didn't realize how much until today.


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I really need to know.... [05 Jul 2007|12:56am]

 "14Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? 15What accord has Christ with Belial?[b] Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? 16What agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God; as God said,

   "I will make my dwelling among them and walk among them,
   and I will be their God,
   and they shall be my people.
17Therefore go out from their midst,
   and be separate from them, says the Lord,
and touch no unclean thing;
   then I will welcome you,
18and I will be a father to you,
   and you shall be sons and daughters to me,
says the Lord Almighty." "

-2 Corinthians 6:14-18

What I need to know is what YOU think of what being "unequally yoked to an unbeliever" means.... Please, I need the input of my brothers and sisters!!!

2 comments|post comment

Bored... [19 Jun 2007|07:57pm]

1. God
2. My friends
3. My family
4. My cat
5. Music
6. Singing
7. The Beach
8. Girl Nights
9. Mushy gooshy romance movies
10. Books
11. Disneyland
12. Road Trips

12. Lord of the Rings
11. Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe
10. Edward Scissor Hands
9. The ORIGINAL Star Wars Trilogy
8. The Holiday
7. Star Wars-except the last one... 
6. Fiddler on the Roof
5. Phantom of the Opera
4. Zoolander
3. Lady in the Water
2. To Kill a Mocking Bird
1.  Pride and Prejudice

1. Adie
2. Mercy Me
3. Nickle Creek
4. Kutless
5. Ingrid Michaelson
6. Barlow Girls
7. Leeland
8. Josh Groban
9. Relient K
10. Hyper Static Union
11. Andrew Lloyd Weber

10. I love chocolate (heck, I'm a woman--of course I do!)
9. I like to watch little kid movies
8. Even worse, I like to watch the Barbie movies (they are so cute!)
7. I wish I could really step through a wardrobe and get into Narnia...
6. I fall asleep to a movie every night.
5. I'm watching the Suite Life of Zach and Cody right now on the Disney Channel.
4. I want to go to England and sit in the Eagle and Child Pub
3. I have always wanted to pierce my tongue
2. I'm afraid of needles
1. My dream road trip would be to the East Coast

1. Martha
2. Larissa
3. My sisters
4. Teresa
5. Chris
6. Brad
7.  Tatum
8. Amber
9. Christina

8. Pizza
7. WATER! (it's so good for you!)
6. Fresh baked, home-made cookies
5. Salad
4. French Fries (especially from Red Robin)
3. Enhiladas
2. Slurpees
1. Cantelope

1. Under clothes (of course!)
2. Make up (yes, it is something you wear)
3. pants
4. t-shirt
5. socks
6. shoes
7. Sweater

SIX THINGS THAT I HATE (actually, just dislike very much):
6. Immature People
5. Judgemental people who won't accept what other people think
4. People who do not use turn signals while driving
3. Chris from Gilmore Girls (sad I know)
2. Barney
1. Smokers

1. Eat
2. Text
3. Get on Myspace
4. Read
5. Talk to God

4. Gilmore Girls
3. Law And Order: Criminal Intent
2. Without a Trace
1. America's Funniest Home Videos

1. To go somewhere new
2. To get married
3. To go back to school

2. "My Bad"
1. "Just joking"

1. My future husband (when I meet him!)

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Amazing. [07 Jun 2007|04:34pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Yup. God is amazing. Everything that Mike said last night spoke directly to my soul.


And on top of that, I have decided to go back to Bible College.........in a way. :)

I'm going to take a whack at the School of Correspondence through CCBC.

I just want to study...deeply...the word of God once again.


I pray it works out for me!

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For the first time in a long time... [05 Jun 2007|11:31pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

...I wished I could die tonight.

Now, don't freak out.

It's not in a suicidal way or anything like that.

I just want God to take me home.

As I looked into the heavens, I have to say it wasn't with a caring and loving glance.

My thoughts, more like shouts bounced off of the clouds.

How could He let this happen?

Why do little girls have to die of cancer?

How come some friendships end up being one-sided?

Why did I fail so badly?

Why do I feel like I am alone?

How come things have to change?

I was so prepared to just live my life...content in where I was...in what I was going to be doing...

Now, I have no clue. I have no motivation. I have no will...no desire...nothing. Zip. zero. nada.

It's almost like I'm walking around in a bubble. The world in chaos around me.

I know God has  a plan. He's got something great. I know I need to trust Him. I know I need to follow Him.

But, my flesh struggles against it.

If I could run away, I would. If I could leave this all behind...I would. In a heart beat.

Don't worry, I'm really okay. this is just alot of pent up emotions that needed to be let out.

...I feel a little better....

2 comments|post comment

Inspired by my tears at college group tonight (it sounds odd I know).... [29 May 2007|10:57pm]
[ mood | confused ]

My eyes burn.
Not with the burn of lack of sleep
Or the itchiness of spring
or of a grain of sand

They burn with a fire
A raging inferno deep within
Held captive; held at bay
by mere bonds of the mind

One look
and the soul knows
the beast within wishes
nay, yearns for release.

My eyes burn
From the momentary lapse
In strength and in control
Never to happen again.

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Ugh. [18 May 2007|06:21pm]
[ mood | confused ]

I haven't posted in awhile on here. So much has been happening.  I found a new church to go to-Cornerstone Christian fellowship. I'll admit, it is so hard.  For the longest time, I had no desire to try and find another church. My heart and my life has been put into CCSE for so long, I had no desire to find someplace where I'd do that again.  My friend Ben told me that this church-split is like a divorce. Emotional and heart breaking. Ugh. I can't even begin to explain what I've been feeling--but I can say that God has begun to heal what has been broken. I know it will be a long process....I've been hurt beyond measure, betrayed, and rejected in some cases. But God is so faithful to comfort and heal thsoe who are broken and prostrate before Him. I feel I cannot get any lower. In all of this, I have fallen so far. I never thought I would--but I did. I need to continue to surround myself with Christ--through church, fellowship, reading His Word, and constant fellowship with my Savior. I am so easily discouraged by the Devil. I have to stay strong--I have to die to myself daily. 

On top of that, I've felt the desire for something more... What? I don't know. I feel lost, like my life is a waste of time, that I'm not allowing myself to be used for God, like I really have no one to talk to....so weird. 

And.....I have suddenly realized what I want in a guy...what I need in a guy. I need someone who's relationship with God is so much stronger than mine. I realize I need someone to lead me in my life--not only in the every day decisions, but spiritually. I want someone who will come visit me when I am sick--some one who will call me just outta the blue--I want to be pursued. I want him to seek after me. I want to be encouraged...I want someone who will be mature, but isn't ashamed to be silly. I want someone who isn't afraid to work at life--who is responsible. I want a man who is so in love with God that you just know something is different about him. 

I just need to let go of things in the past...sins, people, and move on. I don't want to. For some reason I like the comfort of what  I have held on to for so long, and it's hard for me to let go of it. I am so sorry. It just has to end.

Well, that's my life in a nutshell at this very moment. Prayer is appreciated--one can never have too much prayer.

6 comments|post comment

...The sweetness of the Lord (in times of pain and tears)... [19 Apr 2007|12:13pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I'll be honest, last night at college group was hard. I cried all through worship. My heart is so broken. I ask God, why? Why on earth would you allow this to happen to my church? I'm still in shock, but the pain is beginning to set in.

But for the first time, after group was done, I was able to just talk about it with Savannah. To be able to communicate how I feel felt soo good. And honestly, to know that others see what I see just confirmed that I'm not crazy or reading into things. Sometime it just take a physical confirmation, ya know?

Today, I was blessed like crazy by my friend Martha. Once again, I was able to share everything that was in my mind and on my heart, this time it was someone on the outside--who is not involved in the situation at all. And she had insight...and it confirmed what I talked about with Savannah.

A new identity. Finding who I am in Christ.

After that, we just talked and baked all afternoon. It was so amazing. I've never had a friend like Martha. Ever. I don't know what I'd do without her. She knows exactly how to encourage me everytime... she knows exactly what I need to get my mind off of things.... We are now having a baking day once a month--just time to hang, be girls, and work on our baking skills.

I'm also praying about attending church with her and her husband.

I'm going to give myself a couple of weeks at Calvary Gresham--to work through my emotions and the pain I feel in my heart. Then I'll sorta "dip my toe in the water" and try it out.

I have a good feeling about this--a contentment....a confidence.

This is good. Painful, but good.

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Lord... [17 Apr 2007|10:27pm]
[ mood | sad ]

...when will the tears stop?

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...Decisions... [14 Apr 2007|04:33pm]
[ mood | confused ]

I've been considering how to write this for days now… Do I just come right out and say it? Do I explain my reasons first? I never thought I'd have to say these words…I never planned on having the unexpected feelings of pain, hurt, betrayal, and of being deceived for so very long. Where do I find the words to explain my heart?

After contemplating this for days, I've decided to just tell you all straight up:

I'm leaving CCSE.

Many of you may not know of the problems that have arisen at the church over the past few months... and have recently been revealed this week. Please, PLEASE pray for the body--there is alot of pain and hurt going on.

I have grown up at CCSE. It's my home. It saddens me to see it torn apart. My decision has caused a rift between my childhood friends and I. I know they do not agree with me. They wouldn't say it to my face, but they do.

"For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of God." (Galatians 1:10 ESV)

I have not made this decision because of any other reason than God telling me too. I am not leaving because my parents are… They would have respected my decision to stay. I am PERSONALLY choosing as an individual to leave CCSE. It is my decision—and one that I struggled with. I almost convinced myself to stay and ignore what happened, but my heart will not allow me. I am very confident in my decision. I have faith that God will also bring me back to CCSE someday. But there is much breaking He needs to do in all of us before that day. There will be much more pain and heartache, but I have confidence that the Lord will bring us out of this storm.

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
(Psalm 23:1-4 ESV)

So, I will be attending Calvary Gresham until the Lord leads me somewhere else. After thinking and praying about it, I also decided to continue to attend College and Career group on Tuesday nights.

"The Lord bless you and keep you, the Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace." (Numbers 6:24-26 ESV)

May the Lord protect you all in the months and the trials that are ahead. He will be ever faithful to heal what has broken!

Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy, to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen.
(Jude 1:24-25 ESV)

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God, have mercy... [10 Apr 2007|10:25pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

...My world is falling apart. I know it's so very cliche--but it's true. The one fortress I thought I could count on seems to be crumbling.

I'm being forced to make the one decision I never wanted to make....

...But the Lord spoke to me--through a little calendar at Becky and Linda's house...I saw this verse:

"For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ." (Galations 1:10 ESV)

I am yours... Save me, Lord.

1 comment|post comment

Great.... [27 Mar 2007|10:07pm]

....someone hit my car.

This is the third time in 15 months someone has hit me. And it's only me--no one else in my family has been in any accidents...Ugh. There's not really very much damage--just some cracks--but the fact that I feel like I have a HUGE sign on my car saying "HIT ME! HIT ME!" really bites.

This sucks.

I suck.

Life sucks.

I know this is an utterly pointless bulletin full of depressing nothing-ness (yes, i know that isn't a word)--but it's exactly how I feel right now.

Prayer is appreciated.

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Also... [26 Mar 2007|03:38pm]
...I'm running away...or attempting to...
I just need to get away--maybe Cali in May.
I miss my friends, I miss Bible College, I miss God.
He and I have gotten a little distant lately (which is my fault) and I need to start up that relationship again.
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