Melissa (walkin_by_faith) wrote,
Melissa
walkin_by_faith

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Ugh.

I haven't posted in awhile on here. So much has been happening.  I found a new church to go to-Cornerstone Christian fellowship. I'll admit, it is so hard.  For the longest time, I had no desire to try and find another church. My heart and my life has been put into CCSE for so long, I had no desire to find someplace where I'd do that again.  My friend Ben told me that this church-split is like a divorce. Emotional and heart breaking. Ugh. I can't even begin to explain what I've been feeling--but I can say that God has begun to heal what has been broken. I know it will be a long process....I've been hurt beyond measure, betrayed, and rejected in some cases. But God is so faithful to comfort and heal thsoe who are broken and prostrate before Him. I feel I cannot get any lower. In all of this, I have fallen so far. I never thought I would--but I did. I need to continue to surround myself with Christ--through church, fellowship, reading His Word, and constant fellowship with my Savior. I am so easily discouraged by the Devil. I have to stay strong--I have to die to myself daily. 

On top of that, I've felt the desire for something more... What? I don't know. I feel lost, like my life is a waste of time, that I'm not allowing myself to be used for God, like I really have no one to talk to....so weird. 

And.....I have suddenly realized what I want in a guy...what I need in a guy. I need someone who's relationship with God is so much stronger than mine. I realize I need someone to lead me in my life--not only in the every day decisions, but spiritually. I want someone who will come visit me when I am sick--some one who will call me just outta the blue--I want to be pursued. I want him to seek after me. I want to be encouraged...I want someone who will be mature, but isn't ashamed to be silly. I want someone who isn't afraid to work at life--who is responsible. I want a man who is so in love with God that you just know something is different about him. 

I just need to let go of things in the past...sins, people, and move on. I don't want to. For some reason I like the comfort of what  I have held on to for so long, and it's hard for me to let go of it. I am so sorry. It just has to end.

Well, that's my life in a nutshell at this very moment. Prayer is appreciated--one can never have too much prayer.
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